P.T.S.D.

We are three months into Trump's presidency.

Not a day goes by I don't think about this reality and struggle to grasp that's it's real. It is very much like death to my soul. I am still grieving deeply.

But I deal with it alone pretty much. No one in my day to day life wants to hear me complaining about Trump because they are all happy, or fine with him being president.

I am right now trying very hard to think of anyone that lives around me that I can freely discuss how I feel.

I probably could talk to my sister who lives in a Florida about it but I usually don't when I call her.

I sometime vent to Dean but he's pretty uninterested.

I can sort of talk to Evangeline about it but she's not really interested in big political conversations.

But as far as my friends, people I see and have face to face conversations with, there's only Brie, one of the bartenders at Olive or Twist, who I can really just let lose and express my feeling about this Administration with and she can hardly talk politics because she's working.

So I'm basically alone dealing with my PTSD (Present Trump Stress Disorder)

I've had to learn that even when someone brings up Trump in a seemingly casual, polite way in conversation, to not take the bait. Once when I expressed my belief that Russia hacked the election to favor Trump I was told I sounded like a conspiracy theorist even though this has been verified and documented by the FBI and the CIA.

That's just one example.

I use to vent on Facebook but that just made everything worse so I stopped.

Also since the election we have dealt with racially charged incidents, our boys have reported or been involved in, at school. I met with school officials and they told me they have never dealt with such a degree of racial violence, vandalism and language as they have just since January.

But I'm sure that is all somehow Hillary's fault or Obama's for being black (eye roll)

This adds to my grief.



Trump is worse than I imagined and I imagined him to be prettddy bad because I believed he was as awful a person as he showed us he was on the Access Hollywood tape, the mocking of the disabled reporter, when he said John McCain wasn't a war hero, when he retweeted White Supremacist, when he cheated on wife after wife and was accused time and time again of sexual harassment an abuse... on and on I could go but I'm the crazy one for STILL not being O.K. with this horrific person being president.

And I think that's why the grief is so hard to bare alone, because I feel like I'm walking around in the F_ing Twilight Zone!

I could completely handle it if people were like, "Yeah, he's horrific, probably the worst candidate to ever even run for office much less win, but I just couldn't vote for Hillary. I really did have to pick between the better of two evils...we had to get a conservative on the court...I don't know how he beat all the qualified, decent, not asshole-sexual- harasser Republican candidates, but he's what we got so...I wanted to shake up the system, destroy the current political process...." 

But the "give him a chance" Christians who are seeing the same thing I see everyday and act like this is all hunky dory, well THAT is Twilight Zone shit right there!

So just like dealing with any other traumatic event, I have to reach for grace, mercy, forgiveness and above all HOPE! I'm like those newscasters who get mocked when they declare, "tonight Trump became president" or "That was very presidential of Trump" because I look for any and all times to think those thoughts.

After watching his State of the Union address, I thought those thoughts.

It lit a spark of hope in me, that maybe he wasn't as awful as I believed.

But then he starts tweeting again and making stuff up again and my hope gets dashed  - AGAIN!

Back we go to square one.

Like the Fabreeze brothers, "fresh start" I tell myself, (The Other Guys reference, if you don't know the movie, your loss) start again on that hoping, on that extending grace, mercy, forgiveness.

I HOPE and I pray. Yes, I pray for him to change.

I pray God's love will reach him somehow, through someone that has access to him, and it will change him.

God knows the religious leaders he has around him now, who brag about arming their schools and declare how ready they are to kill "those" Muslim's are certainly not showing him what God's love looks or acts like.

Their version of God embraces fear and exploits it for power and financial and material gain. That doesn't cast out all fear as real love does, the real love Jesus told us about.

Has Trump ever heard about a love that cast out ALL fear? I bet he would have to see it in action to believe it, which is a good call. Sadly, he has surrounded himself with fear loving religious yes men.

I'm getting off track, well, not really I guess because this is just the stuff I have no one to talk to about. No one that sees my point of view, that agrees with me, no one that understands how painful this is, how much mental work this is, how hard it is to extend grace in the face of unrepentant, arrogant, mean, ignorant daily actions by him and/or his administration.

I have no one to talk to about how hard it is to hope in this darkness.

But hope I must and hope I will.

And I will also fight against what he is hell bent on destroying. I will fight against the fear and the racism that has blanketed our country like a dense fog.

Hope and fight.
 
Dang this PTSD is a bitch. 

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