To My Children
I think of you when I'm away from you.
I want to do right by you so much that I often time try too hard.
If I fear you will "turn out" bad, I overreact. I was raised to overreact.
You are all so different. You all came into our family differently.
You are all miracles.
I like to go have drinks with my friends, go away for the weekend with daddy, have adult time but I don't want to go on vacation without ya'll, like for a week or two. I can do that later when all three of you are grown and have families of your own.
I believe kissing you and saying I love you before bed at night is important, giving kisses and saying I love you when we part, saying I love you when we hang up the phone, those words and physical contact matter to me. I believe they matter to you too.
Most of what I do is for you.
I want you to form your own opinions about things, that's why I read a lot and make sure we are surrounded by a diverse group of people.
I want you to not be slaves to brands and advertisers, that's why I try to shop ethically and buy even your KD shoes from the thrift store or second hand from Ebay.
I want you to be calm, rational adults one day but I can't say that I'm calm and rational most of the time. When I am not what I want to be or what I want you to be when you grow up, that's hard for me.
Being a good example for you is important. I don't always get it right.
I want to hear your voices everyday. I can't imagine not wanting to hear your voices every day.
What will it be like when wives and husbands enter the scene? I want to believe I will still be important.
I know life is moving on, Evangeline you're off at college, meeting new friends, learning, living a little more independent each day. Abel you're in the full throws of adolescence, buying gifts for a girl, texting all night and Steele you're in the last days of being a little boy, soon that sweet little voice will change and you wont want to cuddle with me anymore.
It makes me sad and it also makes me happy and proud. I'm happy to be Evangeline, Abel and Steele's mother. Nothing makes me more proud.
I love each of you completely.
I use to think I had to reign in my desire to squeeze you or kiss your forehead. Somewhere inside there was this feeling of not deserving the love I was feeling for my kids. I was screaming at you for this or that, so I felt I didn't get to have sweet times. Almost like I was just supposed to disciple you, do what I had to do to get you to adulthood but I wasn't permitted to enjoy being with you and knowing you as people. I know that sounds crazy. I'm glad I realized early on this parenting trip that thinking that way was bull S#!t.
I used to tell myself that I shouldn't want to be your friend, I should want to be your parent and being both wasn't possible. I think both are possible but maybe just at different times during the process of raising you to be well rounded adults.
I know that at the end of the day, when you are grown and we are all adults, I want to be your friend...and still your mom.
There really is no reason for me writing this mushy blog post to you. I have just been feeling it, probably because Evangeline is living in another city and that has brought all this to the surface and writing is one way I work through life and express what I'm feeling and thinking.
Oh the perils of being the children of a writer ;-)
I like you my children.