Tales From The Wander: The Weird Feeling of Peace

When you've been in turmoil for so long, being at peace seems weird. At least for me it does. At first it's like, "ah, that's nice" like when you get a back rub but then as the days go by and I'm walking in it, away from the stress, pain, anxiety, it's almost like I don't know what to do with myself.

Peace is weird to someone who grew up around stress, drama, pain and anxiety. Peace is weird to "the tormented artist" and this "introspective thinker, writer." From pain comes our greatest works so people like me connect most to those feelings. We can go there very well, but it's not so true for our ability to go to the happy place. Peace can be summed up in one sentence; The grace of God, where as pain, stress, drama, need many words and much exploration.

Or at least that's how I see it as one of the artsy types, I guess I shouldn't speak for us all but even history and other artist have shown this to be true.

So, I'm here, at peace. Happy and I don't know how to act. It's weird.

I have family members who are addicted to people they should not be linked with. Especially men that are bad for them. Toxic combinations. They know deep down their life would be better away from them but they can't let go of the drug. That nasty red lizard yaps in their ears that they will die without it, and they believe him as he sucks the life right out of them quite literally ruining their lives daily and chipping away at their souls until they are all but unrecognizable.

So, I get it rightly, drama-pain-loving, red lizard wearing, is my heritage. It's in my blood.

BUT a long time ago I decided I wasn't going to let that be me. I chose different paths, ONLY by the grace of God, I certainly didn't have the strength in myself. But there was always that pull toward that way of thinking and living, those doubt and insecurity seeds kept planting in my brain and I would water them, nurture them for way too long. 

After years of church drama and then getting away from that, well, I miss the turmoil. Yes, I said it. There are places that feel comfortable, addicts know this, the familiarity, the intensity, it's addictive because it's what we've known for so long. It's not easy but we're good at it and it's been our lives for so long we miss it even when we are much happier. I'm not saying the church I was at is toxic for everyone, or even for most actually, I want to be clear about that, I love those people very much, I know they love Jesus and it was a place of mercy, grace and peace for my family for many years. I pray for it to continue to be a place of renewal, peace and grace for all of them.  It's just that for me, being so completely different from most of them in so many ways and always butting heads because of those differences, it was just not a good healthy place for me. The peace of God was not there for me. 

So, now after letting go and being free and at peace, but with no real clear church home path ahead, I'm missing the security of the constant turmoil. It had become a part of me. I was comfortable there.

I just have to trust Jesus and keep my eyes forward. I may be wandering for certain, but all who wander are not lost, some of us are in great peace.


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