I'll ask my therapist next time I see her.
Yes, like a true Diva, I've begun therapy. I feel so Hollywood.
Only fitting since I'm a film star and since I have days where I feel like I am quite literally cracking up.
I make light of it because self deprecating humor is what I do.
Paint dark sad pictures, blog my teenage daughter's, and everyone else business in both passive aggressive and just plain aggressive blog post, and I laugh at my issues in some way shape or form to make it not so serious...seeming.
That's how I've coped for a long time.
But it stopped working.
Sitting with my head in my hands praying for God to help me, led to me realizing I needed to go talk to someone that actually went to school to help those of us who hear Billy Joel songs in our heads, are possibly pare menopausal, have anger issues, may have PTSD, ESP or ADD ADHD PSP and whatever other abbreviated grouping that jacks us up.
I had that realization one day and then a freak out where I wanted to put Abel's head through a wall not soon after and then I KNEW I had to act now. Get help now. I broke down crying to Dean, he prayed with me, got out his computer and pulled up our insurance's mental health program ( I really do have the best husband ever) I found a counselor for myself and for Abel and today we went.
And I'm so glad we did.
Here's what I got from today for me; I've been in fight or flight mode my entire life, mostly fight. I've often said that I can handle being mad or afraid or sad or hurt but I can't handle combinations of them, I get crazy. Like lose it. And, today I realized I've let fear back me into the fight corner for the last 4 years. It has controlled me but since it was combined with sadness, or anger, the anxiety from that would make me out of control.
Anger is a reaction to another emotion, like it's the reaction to fear, worry, stress, etc. My counselor described it like, I go up here (picture my hand up high in the air) from the stress and anxiety that is triggered by a situation combined with my underlying fear, I go to fight mode, but Abel goes to flight mode, he shuts down, zones out, so we are both using our coping mechanisms to deal with a situation but neither of us has dealt with the underlying issue, which for both of us is fear, fear of different things but still fear, so we both make the situation worse not better.
I think all of the on-going church crap and the tree falling on the house stuff this last year just got piled onto this fear stuff and it just all finally cracked me.
Like an egg on hot concrete.
But thank God. Seriously, I thank God for insurance and access to mental health professionals who help. They are truly a God sent answer to prayer.
There was so much more to my session. I'm not going to talk about Abel's session, that's his deal but I will say that we are all gonna be OK. God is faithful and kind and He sends help for us when we ask.
He says, "You are safe with me" and those are the best words.
to be continued...