I'm Tired and I Need Rest
I don't mean sleeping. I am the queen of the nap. I sleep at night (although I do get up to pee several times). No I mean rest in my living. I realize now that always being in fight mode keeps me from resting in my life. I don't know how to just be content with my marriage, my parenting, my life. I don't know how to not always be suspect of my emotions, of what I'm feeling. I'm always in protection mode, suspicious, fearful, on guard. I need to rest. Because life is passing by and I'm missing it because I'm afraid to take moments at face value. To enjoy moments and not think it's too good to be true.
I had blood work done last week at my OBGYN, it showed low hormone levels that could indicate the onset of menopause. I go back next week so they can run them again to make sure. It would explain a lot about why I've felt so crazy lately. I have all of the symptoms except I don't have insomnia, and I'm not depressed. I'm sad and anxious and a Bi#%~ more then not but I'm not wanting to die or anything.
I think the church situation of this last year heightened my anxiety, made my restlessness worse and made me much more sad. Mostly because I can't get away from it. I can't just leave it behind. I look at staff members who quite their jobs and moved on and I envy them. I don't have that luxury. Half of me can't imagine being anywhere but at the Dream Center campus, the other half wishes we could just leave. I don't see rest in either option.
I understand I don't sound very spiritual right now. I should be believing for clarity, rest, renewed strength. I do believe for those things. I shouldn't say "I don't see rest in either option" but that's how I feel right now so I'm writing it.
I use to blog for myself, honestly, several years back. Then I started having to filter more because I was always getting in trouble at church for saying stuff. And sometime I found I was blogging for my readers or so I could impress famous bloggers but about a year ago I slowly started to pull away from all of that. I want this blog to be an honest diary of sorts of my life, what I feel, my opinions about politics, music, art, humor, church, family, fashion and so on. I want it to be real, true. Not your truth but mine.
And right now my truth is I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of fighting when I don't need to. I'm tired of not resting in moments, not soaking up the joys, the fun, the griefs and even the sadness. I want to live resting instead of having fear keep me in fight mode all the time. I want to let the emotions of situations happen.
Resting. I'm ready to know what that's like.