My Allude and Insinuate Post on Current Church Events

This is one of those times in life where I have so much I want to blog about but I cant. It's not that I feel a need to cover up things that others wish to, It's more about walking that line between gossip and truthfulness. And it's about respecting friends that I love while at the same time allowing my heart to feel and express what it feels on this blog to some degree.

I've had several people ask me why I haven't blogged about "it". You know what I mean if you know what I mean :-O But I actually have blogged about it, just in riddles and codes not in open simply because I don't want to feed the ones who love the pain of others.

I am angry, I am disillusioned and conflicted.

Things have changed but really, it was in the works for a while.

I am not blind to the damage control some people feel they need to do with me. I don't like it.

Maybe I feel things deeper then others on matters of the church. No, let me reword that, maybe I am just more vocal about what I feel then others. I don't dare take away from what other people in my little corner of the church world are feeling. But I also would ask that they don't take away mine. I can't stomach certain things right now. I'm not in the denial phase of grief, I'm in the pissed off one minute-depressed and sad the next minute phase. Yes, it's all spiritual but it is also all very practical too.

So I guess the bottom line for me is, I need some time and I am guessing there are a lot of people that also would love to just be given some time to pray and wait without anyone attempting to convince them they are wrong or should feel differently.

You may feel the need to defend certain actions, where as I will not. You may be the institutions biggest fan, I am not. And you may feel that if someone decides they need to leave because of all this, that they are wrong or "just bitter" but I do not.

We are all hurting. I have to find a way to forgive and show grace to people who have no grace for my very verbal way of processing.

I am more defensive, I've been here before if you recall so when an old scar is cut open again, it hurts even worse. I nor anyone else who is processing all this need a sermon or a spin doctor, what we need is time and most of all prayer and understanding. Even as I type this, I realize I am not clear on what I "need" or others need. OK.

I pray for grace, wisdom and a soft heart.

I really have yet to have a really good cry about it all. I think that would help.

I bought the new Mumford and Sons album and it's amazing how perfect most of the songs lyrics are for this season. It's like they wrote what I would right now if I could write like that.

Yesterday I posted the lyrics to their song, Babel, look at this section..

Cause I know that time has numbered my days
and I go along with everything you say
But I write home laughing, look at me now,
the walls of my town they come crumbling down.


Cause I know my weakness, know my voice,
I'll believe in grace and choice
And I know perhaps my heart is farce 

but I'll be born without a mask


and their song, Broken Crown, is full of words from my heart but this line kicked me, Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace.

And finally I really love this one,

"Below My Feet"
 
You were cold as the blood through your bones
And the light which led us from our chosen homes
Well I was lost

And now I sleep
Sleep the hours and that I can't weep
When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes
I was lost

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

And I was still
I was under your spell
When I was told by Jesus all was well
So all must be well

Just give me time
You know your desires and mine
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine
For I must be well

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Oh keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Keep the earth below my feet
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak
Let me learn from where I have been
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

Comments

Anonymous said…
From another "church insider" who agrees with you on many political, social and church issues, I am determined that the best way for me to be any sort of change for good is to work within the system. I am not a blindfolded bat, nor am I a so-called "republi-christian". I do, however, deeply love the community of people I serve with and want to see the church (church and Church) healthier, stronger, better educated, more balanced and not merely following a figure but learning about and loving Jesus more and more. I don't think the way to do that is to remove myself from it, however hurt I may be, and point hollering "Doesn't anyone see what is going on?!" I do. A lot of people do. But anyone can be a critic. That's the easiest job in the world. It's tougher to be a quiet, indignant builder.
Carole Turner said…
Thank you for your comment Anonymous. I don't consider myself an insider though. I respect your opinion, I don't think that everyone who doesn't feel the same as I do is a blind bat, we are all called to do and be certain things in this life, I'm just trying to find what that is like anyone else. I just happen to externalize rather then internalize. Grace.
Carole Turner said…
Not sure if you've read any of my more recent post, but this one kinda says more where I'm at now

http://www.carolesmithturner.com/2012/10/the-skies-im-under.html

..I blog as I feel and live, you know? So, it's a process.. Be blessed.