So What's Helping Christian Marriages?

The Pheonix Preacher posted links to my two post on marriage in his "Link-athon" and in the comments section of his post I saw that a few people took issue with what I had to say. One of the comments said something like, "she didn't say what was working for Christian marriages" and another comment was from a pastor who was very offended and hurt by my post, so this post is to respond and answer those comments.

First to the pastor, I am sorry that my post offended you. I do know that pastors answer calls at 2am to help couples, I have a pastor friend who has jumped up and ran to a friend in need because of marriage troubles. My point was that people shouldn't think that pastors are the best qualified to give marriage counseling. I know several men who went to see their pastor(s) for counseling, the pastor gave sound advise, man didn't take the advise, marriage fell apart and then man left the church because they felt the pastors let them down but really, they just didn't like what the pastor told them.

My point was that pastors need to be more willing to say "I don't know, maybe you should go see a professional" that is what my pastor friend did. He gave a little advice but mostly was just a friend, an ear, someone who prayed with the guy, but he recommended that the couple go see a professional and that is all I am saying, there needs to be more of that.

My answer to the question of "what is helping Christian marriage" is, well,  I have no idea why some marriages survive and some don't. I can't point to one thing that is really helping Christian marriages.

But I will just speak from my own life, my own experience.

I have been married for almost 18 years and I can honestly say, I have no idea why it works. All I know is Dean and I love each other. I miss him when he's away from me. I love to hear his voice on the phone. He's kind to me, makes me feel beautiful, is the best father I have ever seen, works hard, prefers me always and I love him more today then I did the day I married him.

But we didn't do anything right as far as how we began our relationship. I met him in an airport, not a church. I was a Christian, he wasn't.  He was a 22 year old who worked to party and didn't even have a car when we got married. Everything I would tell my daughter not to do in picking a husband, is what I did. The only thing I know is God was gracious to me, he gave me my perfect match when I didn't deserve to get him.

For years when we first got married I would reach over and see if he was still breathing because I just knew that God was gonna take him from me. If he's gone to long getting donuts, I am sure that he is off with a prostitute. About once a week I think he's gonna come home from work and tell me he's having an affair with a guy from work (yes, a guy) I am insecure in ways most people will never even dream of. I have a husband who adores me, has never given me any reason to doubt him and yet I always struggle with resting in that because all the men I knew growing up- my dad, my grandfather, my aunts husband, my sisters husbands, all of them, were unfaithful men, so I automatically think Dean can't possibly not be like them.

My marriage survives because I know how jacked up I am and I know that all good things come from a very gracious God, I don't take any of this goodness for granted. I am thankful every day for what I have and I don't dare act like it couldn't all fall apart tomorrow or like it's because of anything I have done right. I know it's not.

This blog is where I get my preach on, vent from my experiences, tell stories that I think need to be told, cry out against injustice, post funny videos and offer my opinion on things. I don't mean to offend people but I do sometime, usually it comes when I'm just trying to make people think a little differently about things, maybe see a different perspective.

And those two post about what I believe are a couple things killing Christian marriages, were just that, my perspective how I see it, my opinion, that's all.

So toss it out the window if you want, because they really are only worth what you paid for them.



Barto Pickens said…
Mrs Carole your awesome hahhaha keep up the writing good stuff, luv the reads
Michael said…

First off, thank you for interacting with the comments on our blog with graciousness and clarity.
Second...keep writing...we need your perspectives.

Gered Lambert said…
What a set up to give dean turner his props!! Why didn't you just take dean out on a date & tell him all this & skipped the blogs?!?! Love y'all! Great job Dean! Serve that woman of God!
mandi said…
See, I really have appreciated your posts on this. My husband is an associate pastor and my dad is in pastoral care as well (as is my brother). It is crazy what people expect from their pastors. And I would think that the pastors I know and love would only not recommend counseling because they would be blasted for it- not an issue of pride. They feel like they have to be everything to everyone. And that is harmful. So keep on getting your preach on, because some of us agree and if we don't, we like to have our minds expanded.
Anonymous said…
To Carole Turner –

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on the phoenixpreacher. As you can tell, you are not the only one who is desperate over the destruction of marriages in the church. I apologize if my response was too harsh, it was wrapped in a lot of personal pain. Please forgive me.


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