Such a Weird Place

I hate that I don't have a CS Lewis vocabulary, I want to describe my internal and my external life as of late, but I feel I don't have all the words needed.

See, lately my words and my motives have come into question, on a few different occasions actually, and THAT makes me question my way of speaking, my way of writing, my way of acting, because they have all been misread, and that hurts. I keep telling myself, "this is a test, this is only a test" and I keep asking God to help me.

Sometime I think he says "hey, toughen up chick! You can't please everyone, get over it and get over yourself". But then sometime I feel like he says "just apologize, it's ok to be wrong". It's probably a little of both.

I see people who love God, love people and they spend their lives serving both but they have no problem thumbing their nose at people who come against them or misjudge them, they know they are right, they are confident and they know their motives were not wrong so they just brush it off like thin dust. I wish I was more like that. I think it's called having thick skin. I don't have that, I GIVE people thick skin, I just don't have it myself ;-)

I do believe my motivation was and is pure, I only want to do what God has put me here to do.

People like to tell you to act like they do. Or at least, they like to tell me how they would act. They say "I wouldn't...." or "maybe you shouldn't.." and I know I open myself up for that, I really do know that but it's still strange to me. I wish I could just tell people to kiss off sometime.

See, right now, someone is thinking "I wouldn't have said that"..oh well.

My friend Karen used to always just do what people said, she always apologized, always avoided conflict, she would let people berate her, belittle her opinion, silence her voice. Everyone liked her, but she was dieing inside. She suffered from internal physical problems like cysts and kidney stones because she internalized it all. But one day, she stopped taking it and a volcano erupted. The people that were used to ranting and her resending, found a new person, one that said "kiss off" one who stood up and said "enough". It's ugly sometime but I'm so proud of her, and I know that saying that will confuse some people because she's acting in ways now that seem foreign to many who knew her as the passive doormat. I understand their concern, but she's got to fly a little to find herself again. Gods grace is HUGE, way bigger then ours is, we should never underestimate that.

I say all this about her because she was the most influential person in my life as a young Christian, she was my mentor but more importantly she was and is my friend, she never set herself up as my leader, she wasn't trying to "serve" me so I would follow her, she never said "look at me, do as I do" she just has always been a true, honest, loving, friend, and she saved my life one night. Literally, she did. You don't forget something like that. At least I wont. And I honestly don't think she has ever told me "I wouldn't say that" or "maybe you shouldn't..." She just loves me unconditionally, everyone needs a friend like that.

She just got married, so go tell her congrats.

I think this song says it all, Ben Harper's delivery is perfect and he says what I want to say.. CS Lewis move over :-)


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