Childhood Sexual Abuse

When I was 9 my mom was briefly married to a man named Donny. One night Donny came home late after everyone was already in bed asleep. He turned on the dining room light and it woke me up because it shined right into my room, on my bed, like a spot light. When I opened my eyes from the glare of the light, I saw that he was walking around naked. I quickly closed my eyes and covered my head with the blanket. Yuck, I thought. No nine year old girl wants to be awakened suddenly by a bright light showing their naked step dads butt!

I started to doze off again now that my head was covered and the light was not in my eyes any longer. I don’t know how much time passed but I must have uncovered my head while sleeping because I was awaken by an unfamiliar noise. When I opened my eyes my step dad was masturbating right at the side of my bed, right in front of my face. I quickly closed my eyes certain that I was dreaming. I wasn’t even sure of what I was looking at. I rolled over away from him. Next thing I knew something wet was sprayed on me. I thought he had peed on me. but why didn't it smell like pee? At age 9, I had no idea what had just happened. I wanted to vomit but I laid there very still hoping and praying he would go away. He did.

When I woke up in the morning I was very confused. I thought maybe I had been dreaming...I really don’t know how often this happened. I think maybe only one to three nights and now they are all jumbled together in my memory.

...One of those nights I heard him in the dining room again and I could tell he had turned the light on. I didn’t open my eyes this time. I turned away from the open room and toward the window right beside my bed. It was a cool night, the breeze felt nice on my face. It calmed the fear rushing through my veins.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. He was shaking me to wake me up. I laid still acting like I was asleep and prayed he would go away and I told myself right then that if he tried to touch me, or make me touch him, I would sit up and scream for my mom. I knew I would have to scream loud because she was sleeping in her room where the window unit air conditioner was and her door was shut. I knew he had planned it this way.

“Hey, turn over” I heard him say. But I didn’t move and I continued to act like I was asleep.

Again, I psyched myself up for what was to come. I knew it would take everything in me to scream, but I also knew I had to. No matter what, I had to scream.

He grabbed my shoulder and forcefully tried to roll me toward him.

I sat up and screamed “MAMA!”

He jumped back “why are you screaming?”

I didn’t answer him, I just screamed again “MAMA!”

I could tell he had no idea what to do, he stammered with his words “uh, uh, why are you screaming? Stop screaming.” He said very sheepishly and he rubbed his head like he was confused.

“I want my mama.” I said as I started to cry.

“Go back to sleep Carole. I’m going” he said and then he left my room, walked through the dining room, turned off the light, then went into his room where my mom was still asleep.

I continued to cry and wished my little brother had been home and in his bed on the other side of the room to protect me from Donny for the rest of the night. I tried not to fall asleep for fear he would return but before I knew it I had cried myself to sleep.

...Three weeks went by, three weeks of tormented sleep, squeezed in beside my brother Joe or in my sister Donna’s room with her. Every time I saw Donny I wanted to vomit. On one hand I felt like everyone, everywhere was reading on my face “my step dad masturbated by my face while I slept and he tried to do more” but I also felt like it was all inside me and disappearing into illusion and make believe. I was bursting inside and getting very confused. I couldn’t live like that another day. I knew the only remedy was to tell someone. I couldn’t let fear tell me not to...

I told a friend down the road, she told my mom and my mom took us and left Donny for good.

..I know it could have been much worse, I know girls that have lived through much worse, but no matter the extent of abuse, it steals your innocence. It leaves a brand seared into your brain and that messes with you.

Everything had changed.


Jason said…
Wow. Posting this took real strength. I pray that it will be a step toward healing for you and an encouragement to other women.
AmberDawn said…
Good for you, then and now.
Natalie said…
I am so glad you posted. Love you.

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