A hard Conversation with God..and with you.

GOD: "so, your gonna be able to say 'God closed the door' when the money isn't there by Friday but you knew all along this wasn't right"

I kept telling my self it was right. I HAD to go back to Africa. Of course God wanted me to go. Evangeline to go.

I kept saying "He will close the door if it's not supposed to happen" and I kept hearing that calm voice saying "You are trying to make it happen. It's not supposed to happen".

Then I would think: "What will I tell everyone that gave? They will know what a flake I am if I say the real reasons we aren't going. They will know how nonspiritual I really am."

GOD: "Yea, cuz' that's what matters right? What people think?"

So I wont blame God closing a door or Him not performing a miracle and the money coming in. I will take full responsibility for listening to my desire to get back to Africa, and trying desperately to make it HIS voice.

"I hear and I will listen. Sorry I don't sometime. Forgive me for getting a head of you on the path."

GOD: "It's about the one Carole. Evangeline is one. Steele is one. Abel is one. They need you. Your family is new again, focus on them this summer. Focus on Abel getting completely adjusted in his new environment. THAT is what I want".

Like my dear friend Summer kept saying "WAIT is not NO"

I'm sorry to all of you who donated. I will give the money to others who HAVE heard God say it's their time, and like I said, if that's not OK with you, I will refund it.

Thank you for your understanding and support.

Comments

HerstoryGirl said…
I'm so proud of you for having the guts to have that conversation!

You will go back one day; I know it in my heart. And it will be in God's timing and everything will fall into place.

Love you!
Anderson Crew said…
Carol and E-We got paid today and were going to give $100 to you guys for your mission trip, but I just read this, I would like to give it to www.drawnfromwater.org in honor of your guys' heart for Africa, if you would rather it go another place, let me know.

Much LOVE for you!
Jillian
Elysa said…
I'm totally hearing you and not throwing any stones. You KNOW how badly I want to be in Africa. But yeah, I definitely see God's point. I started thinking this way the last couple of days actually...cause I have to be honest, I was hurting for you and wondering why it wasn't going to happen.

It probably would have been very hard for Abel to watch you go to Africa and him be left behind, knowing that it was "too far" for him.

Dang! God is so wise.

I need to remember this when I get impatient about OUR timing where Swaziland is concerned.

I love you and I'm praying about what I want you to do about the $ we gave you. I've got several friends who are going on trips this summer so I'm pondering.

Love you even though we've yet to meet face to face,
Elysa
God deals with all of this way, whether we blog about it or not! Yeah to you for being courageous enough to say so.
I understand completely. I have had the same conversation with God and had to do the same thing before. It's hard.
Erin Moore said…
This is the exact conversation I keep having with God about adoption...I want to jump ahead, but he hasn't given the green light yet...I don't know why..but I rest in knowing that His ways are better than mine.

I love you for this post.
Anonymous said…
Carole, you have my blessing to donate the money as you are lead. And, of course, I completely understand. Our families are so very new, so very tender, just the gentlest of sprouts showing their edges. I'm so glad to have been able to meet your family as mine was beginning.

You are loved, Rosie
Lori said…
I am wrestling with this (similar) scenario....what I want and what I strongly sense is God's desire. Africa steals a part of your heart and clouds your mind! Thank you for sharing...it validated where I am as I give up the heart desire to adopt from ET and investigate the doors He seems to be swinging wide open to foster care adoption...

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