Post Adoption stuff

We just returned from Abel's first doctors visit. He got 4 shots, a tb test and 6 vales of blood drawn. We were sent home with a stool collection kit and a very sad hungry child. The drawing of the blood was last, and let's just say, he had had enough by then. It was traumatic for everyone. He had a complete meltdown freak know, like Steele acts at even the mention of a shot :-)

While I was waiting in between shots and exams, I was thinking about how we all parent so different. I used to be against Immunizations but when I had Steele I changed my mind. I respect more then words can say, my friends who don't immunize and I will defend them to anyone. I just know what I have to do for my family.

We are almost at our one month home date (this Friday) We have already started going and doing some and we will slowly return to our normal craziness over the next month.

I know some people wonder why Abel can do and go to some places, some time but then I decide at another time he can't for attachment reasons. Again, I just have to know when is too much, and what. God blesses us with a mothers Instinct even for a 7 yr old.

The thing is, well meaning people don't seem to "get" the whole post adoption time. I know people have questions, they ask them and some just make comments. Believe me, I am eating and choking on every judgmental though I ever had of mom's who adopted older kids. I knew better then them, yea, wrong! So, I am just saying trust that we have researched what is needed, been taught by our agency, I've read "Parenting the Hurt Child" and other books and unless you have adopted an older child, you really don't know what is best.

Jullian wrote a post over at her blog about all this,

If your considering adopting an older child, or just want to know some of what we deal with, I suggest you check it out. I have not had any bad experiences really, everyone has been so kind and understanding so I appreciate that more then words can say.


Erin Moore said…
I love that you brought a camera to the doctor's office with you. That's the best!

I trust your instincts (and your research). Only you live with your family 24/7 - the rest of us just get one minute clips in time.

I feel blessed to be learning from your experiences!

Donna said…
What's the stool collection kits for? Testing for worms?
Donna said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Donna said…
p.s. In case you were talking to me, I don't believe you shouldn't immunize him.
Anonymous said…
She was talking to me, Donna. (I know you respect me.) What person in their right mind thinks they know more about what's right for Abel than you and Dean? Are people trying to "help" you?
Carole Turner said…
Hey, yea, the Stool is for parasites. and I meant it when I said I respect and will defend my no vac. friends :-)

No one has really tried to tell us anything, I am more talking about the "why" we get a lot. I understand it, I just sometime get weary of trying to explain. BUT I know, I've put myself out there, and over all, seriously, people have been wonderful!! I do have the best friends and church family in the world.
Donna said…
As Riley would say, "Ookie." Remember when Evangeline had pinworms when she was little?

Luckily Owen was already born at the time or I dare say I wouldn't have had kids. :) That really grossed me out.
HerstoryGirl said…
Girl, YOU are his mother.
Nuff said.
AdoptedAsHisOwn said…
You know, I too used to get so defensive and frustrated at people's comments about "oh they are not your own" and comments about the way we discipline and being too strict so I understand this post but one huge change came over me when one day I was so hurt and crying out to God saying "GOD, THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!" And very very gently God said, "Yes, Aimee', they don't understand. And when you want to share something with them, share it with love and not out of frustration." That moment with God opened my eyes that not all people can truly understand about the adoption process or what it involves or the experiences we are experiencing in older child adoption but I do know that God can use us if we respond with love. When we respond with love it will not hurt the other person. It will not make them offended at our comments. I remember when Pastor Dino (I believe it was him) said that God draws us to Him with love not reacting out of frustration and badgering or judging us. That really spoke to me about how I responded to people who really just don't understand say the adoption decision. God wants us to share the truth with them but we need to do it with love.

This, of course, is my story and my revelation from God but I believe it is for everyone. We have to remember that people, down deep inside, at least the majority of people, really want to do good and be of help to their family and friends. I had to realize that and now I look forward to someone coming to me who says, "oh, they are not your own" because that gives me an awesome opportunity to share Ephesians 1:5 with them and talk about how we as Gentiles were not His own in the beginning but because of ADOPTION we are now His heirs.

You know, we don't want to turn people off of adoption and if we only respond to them in frustration, first it puts them on defense and second, it definitely may turn them off adoption. These people that are trying to help often enough have thought about adoption or are now thinking about it because they now have a friend who just adopted and God may have them come into your life as a Divine Appointment from Him for Him to reach them about adoption.

I say all this because I did read the link to your post and then I read her comments and how others were posting her "venting" and it saddened me and as much as I understand what that Mom was trying to say, I believe she was talking out of frustration and not love. At least that is the way I took all the CAPS in her post. She obviously has a great big heart but I believe their is a gentler way to let people know how you feel. What are your thought?
Carole Turner said…
Aimee, Like I said at the end of the post and on one other comment, I really have the best friends and church family in the world. I have not had any of the bad experiences Jullian has. BUT even the minor comments and questions bothered me and I realized why now; because of my own insecurities about parenting. It wasn't so much that people were judging me, it was more that I was judging myself too harshly. God checked me with a little "get over yourself. Quit worrying about what people think. Parent to please me. Seek me in your parenting and don't parent to please others." I think that is true with all kids but even more with a child that is a stranger to everyone, including the parent.

I'm learning so much everyday.
Just today at church, Abel wouldn't look at anyone when they came up to meet him. He refused to say hello or shake hands, anything. Very rude for a normal American kid, especially in the south. I got really upset, wanting him to "act right" in front of all my church people. I started to over react but then felt the Holy Spirit say "it's only been a month, 20 people coming up saying hi, one right after another, is to much for him right now. Give him time. Cross that bridge later. He's just not sure how to act in this environment yet." So, I just had to let it got for now.

God is using this time to teach me so much about Him, His love and grace. And like you said, I have to have it for the people asking out of ignorance and good intentions just as much. And I have to die to self, "looking" like a good parent. I have to please Him.
AdoptedAsHisOwn said…
I think you pretty much nailed it. It is so much dying to self. Remember that our first year was the toughest for us. Different culture, different language, a pretty different world. What we did during that time was continue to talk to ours about what is right and what is wrong and we had to learn to show them Grace just as God has shown us which meant a lot of dying to self :) Very hard first year! But even now we still have to learn to show more Grace in our family as parents on a daily basis. Don't doubt who you are as a parent, Carole. Your heart is SO big and your love for God is obvious. I have to tell myself all the time that I am going to make mistakes and I do, believe me, but thank God He gives me MANY more chances to do it His way.

I love coming to your blog because it is a no nonsense place where people feel free to say it the way they want to say it! I know you are not looking for a pat on the back I will give you one anyway! Look around, Carole..... how many others around you have died so much to self that they adopted an orphan from another country who is a different race and who is not an infant? Not many. Who said walking in our calling was supposed to be easy? I believe it is the hardest that we will ever experience yet filled with so many blessings and God moments along the way.

So with that said, I lift up my glass of grape juice (LOL) to you and say, "here's to many days wondering if we are doing it right as parents and here's to all the Grace God shows us on the days we wish we would have parented a little differently, and most importantly, here's to a family who did die to self and adopt this precious little boy!"

You are awesome!

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