Mental and Physical

This afternoon I was helping Dean and E groom our dog Cleo, feeling fine when all of a sudden my chest down to my belt line started burning and really hurting. I had to go lay down on the couch and I sent E to get me some tums, Advil and water. Well, while I was laying there waiting for the meds to kick in, I really thought I was having a heart attack! I could not bare the pain, all I could do was say over and over "help me Jesus, help me Jesus", I broke out in a sweat and when I tried to sit up I almost blacked out!! I called for Dean and he came over and laid his hands on my head, I was about to tell him to call 911 when it started feeling better as quick as it came on, it was gone. Crazy and scary. I think it may be my gal-bladder, mom thinks it could be that or my heart but I had my heart checked last year, so we will see I guess.

When I used to have a uterus and cramps as a young girl, I remember times when I would pray for death because I was in so much pain. That's how it felt today, not like cramps but that feeling like you can't stand the pain for one more minute.

BUT, all better now so don't worry.

Mentally, I am just raw right now. Most people think I am tough and have a thick skin but nothing could be further from the truth. I like to give my opinion and everyone agree with it. I know in order to be a leader of any sorts, you have to have a thick skin, and to be a Godly leader you have to have a thick skin, a soft heart AND be slow to speak, Wish I could say that was me but I cant. I think I have a soft heart most of the time.

I am seeing that I take everything that is not complete agreement or praise as rejection. Which is so self centered and pathetic! The book "Barbarian Way" by Erwin McMannus really helped me for a while. It talks about just doing and being what Jesus wants, and only focusing on that, and then "self" in any form is killed but that is so hard to walk in. I seem self confident and fearless to many but I struggle so much with dieing to self, not listening to that self centered victim mentality, "it's all about me..they don't like me..they think I'm stupid..they don't like my clothes..etc" all that bull crap that is SELF and FLESH trying to get me off focus. Lord help me. Give me YOUR back bone.

SO, that's where I'm at right now. And not to mention the raw life in the wait. Tomorrow is our second court date in Ethiopia. If we make it through we will be traveling to get A in mid December so please pray for that to happen.

I'm sure all this waiting and the emotional roller coaster that is Adoption, is contributing to this struggle with self. The devil would love to trap me there, self absorbed and fearing rejection but he's no match for Jesus, no match at all..."what is impossible for man is possible with God" and "greater is HE that is in me then he that is in the world"!

So glad there is Hope, so glad.


HerstoryGirl said…
It's your gall bladder.

I would bet my life on it. When mine started acting up, it was exactly as you just described.
You know what else?
I know what you had for lunch *wink* and that kind of meal can trigger an attack like nobody's business.

Since I was 7 months pregnant with Natasha, they could not operate so I had to eat a fat-free, very bland diet for the rest of the pregnancy.
Seven days after she was born, they yanked it out.
Melinda said…
How scary Carole, I am happy to hear you are doing better. I am so with you on your other thoughts. I have heard good things about that book, I will have to check it out. I will be praying for your court date tomorrow. I am believing that you will be passing and on your way to get your sweet boy in December.
Archie Mck said…
Praying for all the above! Been following your blog for a little bit and I'm totally excited for what you guys are doing!
awww sweetie, what a terrible time you are having. i am glad you are sensitive to hearing what God woudl say through all this. love you.
Adeye said…
Oh my goodness, my heart broke reading what a scare you had! Yes, the evil one would LOVE to steal from you right now....your health, your joy and your peace in the wait for your son. Put on the FULL ARMOR!!!!

Praying for travel SOOOONNNNNN :)

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