No Church in the Wild

It's Sunday, I've cleaned the house, watched Red 2 and painted some shoes but didn't go to church.

We haven't gone to church since Easter and before that we hadn't gone in several months.

After leaving the Dream Center last October we visited a few different churches but never found a fit so we just stopped going. 

And I don't really miss it for the most part. Yes, I have some great memories. Gosh, my entire family, all of us have some great church memories. I miss singing, being a part of the BRDC worship team was some of the best times of my life. That, I think, I will always grieve the loss of. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. But I don't miss church.

Every Sunday now, when I get on social media, I see all the church post by old friends and I am repulsed by them, they don't make me want to go back, rather they affirm why I can't stand church now.

I know that's harsh, This is one of those post where I wonder if I can or should say how I really feel. 

I've prayed, asked God "Am I bitter? Am I Holding unforgiveness in my heart?"  And I believe I have forgiven, but I don't trust anymore. I don't believe what they say or do anymore. 

I'm referring to the Anerican church as a whole, the machine, the enterprise, the organized crime family, the mafia, that in my opinion, is today's American church.

I've lost faith in the institution. 

It's like if your mom or dad were to cheat on the other and you found out, you could forgive the cheater, still love them, but it would be very hard to trust them again. 

Because trust is not unconditional.

So not going to church feels better than going. 

This is where I'm at right now. I've ventured into the wild space between certainty and doubt, safety and adventure, where all is exposed to the elements, good and bad. 

 I still believe, I still love, but my heart is more calloused than it is soft and inviting..I'm guarding it as instructed. 

And although this wild space seems to be taking more and more of my days, He's here and I see Him every day. In my work, I see Him in the 35 year old man with a 5th grade education who spent 20 years in jail who now needs a fresh start. I hear Him in sad Lana Del Rey lyrics, and I feel Him in the embrace of my kids. 

I am at peace in the wild though I'm not safe. I'm not protected, pampered, molded by unchallenged structured theology, there's no place for that here, because there's no church in the wild.


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