Tales From The Wander: Right Now, Church Equals Hot Dogs

I can't stomach looking at most church post on social media. There I said it. It sounds so harsh I know. I'm sorry. I've censored myself for a while, thinking, "You will sound so bitter Carole, so petty, ridiculous and mostly you will sound oh so backslid! THEY will have confirmation of your lostness if you dare say what you actually feel...again." 

But, you know, I can't let what others think of me or how they judge me stop me from working through my issues opening and honestly. I write my progress, it helps me, and I think, others.

I have to write through this process. This, "season" dare I use that very over used churchy term? Yes, I am a victim of my upbringing, my "tribe" I am a child of the "house"... Excellence, Jesus is here, anything can happen...

UGH!  The phrases! The now meaningless cliches are embedded like DNA in me! Oh God, I said another one, "DNA", Help me Jesus!

Ok, focus, I digress, back on point...

Working through why I can't stomach your church posts on social media, it's not that I judge you, lord please know that, I know the church is made up of people who love their pastors, their churches, their worship experiences, I believe you love and are excited about what you are posting, I know from experience, I posted SO many such post, I loved, I believed.

But right now, It all makes me want to hurl. I know that's bad to say, again, I know you are "sad for me" you're forming opinions right now on how this part of the grieving process could of been avoided. Prayed more? Trust more? Stay blind? Submit to authority? Stay in my place? I hear you, I do. I just disagree.

I think the sight of church stuff makes me sick because I've been poisoned. The meal I ate made me sick.

One time I got sick off hot dogs. I had eaten two. I vomited up hot dogs for a day. Every time I'd hug that toilet, I knew more chunks of hot dog were about to come violently ripping and tearing up my throat, forcefully spewing out of my mouth. It took years for me to be able to even look at hot dogs again without getting nauseated.Other people were eating hot dogs happily, they loved their hot bogs, but I couldn't watch them eat, I'd get nauseated and immediately remember that day, that awful day spent vomiting hot dogs.

That's me right now. I still have that bad taste in my mouth, It's part of the grieving, the healing, I am not you, you are not me. I will eat hot dogs again one day, hopefully unless they are all recalled for containing chemicals that kill us and we somehow learn to live in a world with out hot dogs...nah, we know that will NEVER happen.


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