Haiti, Adoption, my Heart and God

Dean, Evangeline and I are planning on going to Haiti on a missions trip in July. We were specifically asked to go by the leader of the team. Dean and I have wanted to go since the earth quake a year ago, so when we were asked, we felt it was God making away.

But then there's the issue of raising the money. It will only cost $4800 for all three of us to go, but that's still way more then we have personally.

I know that asking people to "send" you is a way for those who cant go to be a part of what you are doing but the asking is never fun. And what makes it worse is I'm struggling with motivation. My heart is not in it. My heart is sad that I'm not asking people to be a part of something else. My heart would rather be raising money for an adoption in stead of a missions trip.

I see all the tweets and Facebook updates from the many people who are trying to raise money for their missions trips and I think "there goes all my adoption money. How can people keep asking and giving without eventually burning out on all of it?" I know that's a crazy thought, I know. But that is what causes me sadness in my heart, I have no faith in Gods timing or provision right now and I need it.

I will be 44yrs old in August. I feel like God is taking too long, I'm like Sara, I'm anxious for him to act before I get too old.

Some days I doubt that God even gave me the desire to adopt a child with HIV, "did I just make that up?" is the thought that tortures me sometime. But then I read of a little girl sitting in orphanage, none of the caregivers will touch her out of fear of getting AIDS or I see a story about a child's miraculous recovery after being adopted and getting on ARVs and I cry. I cry every time I read about a sick orphan getting better because a family wanted them. I look at the kids with HIV that are available for adoption and my heart feels as if it will explode. I send their info to Dean and I pray he will say yes. But he doesn't.

I know Gods timing is perfect. I really do trust that Dean is praying about the emails containing kids information that I send him. I trust him. I also know that God opened this door for us to go to Haiti. I'm honored to be going to hang out with the orphans there, play with them, love on them, etc. Who knows what doors this trip could open into. Is our next child there? Will we meet a child we are to sponsor there? A ministry we are supposed to support there? Who knows. So I'm trying to be excited about it without feeling like it somehow takes away from what I really want to be raising money for. I'm trying to trust God with all this. I have seen more financial and adoption miracles then I can even write here, so I have no reason to think that God can't or won't provide for this trip AND when it's time, for another adoption.

I need a faith injection, I need to relax and trust and let God take my sadness and longing in His hands. I need to just do this Haiti trip fund raising even of I don't "feel" like it. Help me Jesus.

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