(Egoism) Manifesto

Manifesto: noun
A written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives,or views of it's issuer.

I have sat here several times and tried to write a Manifesto for this blog. I twittered that I was working on this Manifesto. I thought it was important to do so I typed a lot, liked some of it, didn't like most of it, and deleted it about 4 times. Then I was like, "what the heck? Why can't I stinkin' write this 'Manifesto'?" I then heard that little voice "It's all there already. Your intentions, motives and views are all there in the hundreds of post you have done over the last 3 years.THIS is your Manifesto." Ah, yes, yes it is.

But things are changing. There are new adventures on the horizon. New growth. I feel I need to step out in some areas and I am scared. I detest fear but I still get afraid when I feel I am being called to step out and possibly fail. I care way too much about what people think, I don't want to be disliked, laughed at or for people to think I am trying to get attention. Which I know sounds funny because I am an affirmation junkie, I like to be told "good job" but I go to an unhealthy length to make sure people don't think I'm vying for a spot light. It's whacked I know.

False humility is being exposed in me and it's not fun. I have read The Barbarian Way three times and it's such a good book about just doing what we are called to do and not worrying what anyone thinks. Some areas, I have no problem implementing that, others I have a lot.

I like to act like I don't want to sing a solo at church because I'm so not a Diva. I don't need that. I'm happy in my humble back up singing position. But really I am afraid of failing if I did lead a song so I act as if I don't want to. THAT is false humility.

I feel called to tell my story and to speak publicly. I can "get my preach on" here, behind a computer, in type, where I don't have to feel the sting of judgement seen on peoples faces, but I know God is guiding me to speak more publicly and that makes me afraid of messing up. I hate looking stupid. I hate people thinking that I "think I'm all that" or some sort of expert. All those feelings, all that thinking about my self, that is false humility.

When I was 7 I told my dad I wanted to be a Politician but as I grew up I learned they never make everyone happy and it was a guarantee, if you are a politician, you WILL tick people off..a lot of people. So I became safely political and now if I was a politician I'd probably tick most of my friends off cuz' I'm way to liberal for most of them.

That's what I'm dealing with now. Trying to be 100% who God wants me to be and trying not to write an Egoism Manifesto.

If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed
.- C.S. Lewis

Comments

the Matt family said…
we are so much alike in so many ways... keep on doing what you're doing, and seeking God for growth. you're amazing and inspiring and we love you :)

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