Wrong Reasons to Adopt

We had a great round table discussion last night here at my house. Really it was a square table discussion cuz' we sat on couches around my rustic square coffee table, that was loaded with party food and Coke products..anyways it was great. We discussed Transracial adoption a tiny bit but mostly talked about our own experiences with adopting older children and for some, their future of adopting older children.

I think this round table time will evolve into more of a support group, heaven knows I am so grateful for the support I have received from my church and our adoption ministry, His Heart for Orphans. It's such a huge blessing and encouragement for us who believe Adoption is a calling that MANY need to answer and we have chosen to answer.

I did some research before having the discussion and we didn't really touch on this very much, we mostly talked about how we all have adjusted as families and we shared our mistakes, victories and milestones and how we are learning from them. But I wanted to post this list here cuz I agree with it. I didn't write this, the author is listed below. Check it out and please send any questions or comments you have about older child adoption.

Wrong Reasons to Adopt

by Melissa J | More from this Blogger

22 Nov 2006 10:31 AM

There isn't anything wrong with wanting to adopt because you would like to parent a child and provide a loving home. These are typically the same reasons many couple's conceive biologically. The problem is so many people want to adopt for the wrong reasons-even if their heart means well. Some of the wrong primary motivations for adoption are not wrong as a "bonus", however to those who find justification in some of the examples provided below, I suggest visiting a local animal shelter instead.

Children being placed for adoption often have needs beyond what biological or birth children have. Adoption disruptions are way too common. They are devastating to a family-especially the child! Please do your homework and learn about the unique needs of children who've been adopted.

The following is a list of wrong motives to adopt:

  • Because everybody is doing it (children should not be a fad)
  • To have someone who will love you back (not every child may want to reciprocate your love and affection-initially anyway)
  • Your biological clock is ticking (not good motivation for adoption)
  • You want some company (adopt a dog!)
  • Because you feel sorry for the child or want to rescue them (feeling any sense of indebtedness is not fair to a child who did not ask to be in the position they are)
  • You could really use another person to help out around the house (hire a housekeeper!)
  • A playmate for your other children (baby-sit or do more play-dates)
  • Because children from ______ are so cute (may be cute, but cute is not a good reason to adopt)
  • If I can't have a child biologically, I guess I'll settle for adoption (adoption is not second best, it's just a different path-and it's not easy)
  • A child will bring my spouse and I closer (might be true, but will likely cause more tension and less one-on-one time together; not good for a struggling marriage)
  • I need someone to pass on the family name (poor reason to adopt)
  • I'll start the adoption process and hopefully my husband will come around (it takes the full cooperation of both in the relationship do this otherwise it is likely to cause great tension in the marriage)
  • Love will cure any problem a child may have and I have a lot love to give (unfortunately no amount of love this world can help some children; though patience, proper advocacy and empathy can help)
  • Tired of watching other women have babies (not a good reason to adopt; children who are adopted often have very unique special needs that require a lot of devotion)
  • Could use some extra income (some special needs adoptions provide subsidy to cover a child's extra care needs; often the subsidy does not meet all the expenses of the child)
  • You want someone to leave an inheritance to (donate to a worthy charitable organization)
  • You think you'll gain respect and status of sainthood (this is a purely selfish motive; likely you'll feel more like a servant than anything high and mighty)
  • I need a reason to get up in the morning (program your coffee maker; with children there are likely to be days when you don't feel like getting up in the morning)
  • A big tax write off (while this is a bonus, your children will likely cost you more than you'll get back from your taxes)
  • To make me feel complete (you really ought to feel complete before you adopt)
  • To have someone to care for you in your old age (children don't always outlive their parents; it's terribly sad to hear such expectations being placed on a child; start saving for your future now)

The right reasons to adopt include those of selfless motives. I don't want my children to feel like they owe me anything beside basic human respect. I understand my children may have needs that are unique because of their adoption. I want them to be successful in being themselves and pray they grow up to be the men God would have them to be. I find it an honor to be entrusted with the children I have, to advocate for them, love them, discipline and encourage them. My life is no longer about me, it's about my family.

Melissa is a Families.com Christianblogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog

Comments

malinda said…
I'm so glad to see you posting this, especially since your church has an adoption ministry. I hope more Christians will counsel that adoption isn't rescue.

Thanks for the post!