Marriage

I have friends that are getting divorced or are divorced now. I also have young friends who are in love, engaged or dating.

This is what I want to say to them.

Say I love you. Say it. Even when you don't feel it. Every time you hang up the phone, leave the house, etc. Say "I love you".

Kiss. Kiss goodbye, kiss hello. Kiss a lot.

We say we believe words and actions mean things but we dare not be "fake" in our marriage so when we are mad, we don't say "I love you" as he leaves the house. We don't kiss goodnight because he didn't take out the trash. Then before we know it, days have gone by, then years and we don't do either anymore.

Speaking words of affirmation over our children is important, but we fail to believe it is just as important with our spouse.

Get over your stinkin self.

Yea, you ain't all that. I know you think you did him (her) a favor by dating them and then marrying them but you didn't.

I know people who say all the time "I'm a good husband. I'm a good wife. I did everything right" Well maybe not. Maybe instead of always blaming the other person, look and see what you bring to the table that's rotten.

I know your spiritual, know more scripture and feel important but so what? When your married 20yrs and you leave your wife, YOU need to take responsibility for it and get your crap together.

Humility goes along way. Real humility not that "feel sorry for me" bull crap.

When your dating, if he doesn't give you goose bumps when he touches your hand, don't marry him. If he doesn't turn you on now, he wont then.

I love the book Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot. They were very Godly missionaries, they did not have sex before they got married, but they were both more then ready to get married so they could.

Believe me, sex gets old eventually but if there is always that spark, it's motivating if you know what I mean. I have friends that got married without that and sex left long before the spouse did.

Don't ever think you've arrived. We are done when we are dead. Your not the perfect wife or husband. We can all improve.

God is good, do His will and LOVE, LOVE , LOVE.

A marriage is two people. You can't change him. Change yourself, extend grace, and trust God to work on Him.

If you nag, he will resent, if you always cut her down, she will become what you say.

Stop being the victim!

If you are escaping your marriage by making your children your universe, stop it. God is bigger. He will be your comfort and your strength, just seek Him.

Don't give up too soon. Joseph was in a prison for 15 years. Wait on the Lord. Sometimes THAT is the hardest part of marriage, trusting God, not giving up, for years and years.

Don't be a stubborn idiot, get help.

Go to a counselor. Not a preacher, a real counselor.

Buy the books, read them, do what they say.

God gives people gifts to be used, a doctor fixes your body as God gives the wisdom, same with marriage counselors, 1 + 2 still equals 3 so there are things that they can teach you, practical things.

I know many a lonely 40+ now single dad who thought all he needed was a few meeting with his pastor to save his marriage. WRONG!

It's work. Marriage is work. Part of that work could be counseling.

Pray. Pray a lot. For your spouse, for yourself, for your marriage.

Die to yourself. Prefer the other person.

I thank God every day for Dean. I know I did not deserve such a wonderful man. our story is one of Gods grace, we have been forgiven much so we love much. I pray we always do.

Ok, I'm done. hold the angry comments please.

Comments

Anonymous said…
No angry comment here, just applauding you for speaking the truth in love!! marriage is hard hard work but as I get older and realize that it ain't all about ME, things have gotten so much better in my marriage. Love is action, not words. I have to show more action. Thanks again Carole, you truly have a lot of good practical down to earth, tell it like it is wisdom.
I wish people would be more candid about thing sometimes. Like, when we got married, I guess I thought it'd all be a bed of roses. It wasn't, but boy, we both got on our knees before God, got counseling, read AND IMPLEMENTED the good books and we work on communication ALL the time. divorce is not an option, ever. simple as that. good post. God honors that obedience and He oftentimes gives you a new love for your spouse when you commit to not give up.
Anonymous said…
wass up Carole.. Been reaind your blog and would like to make a comment. I hope I do not take up all of your blog storage as I am long winded.


Here we go.

My wife and I have gone to church and attended those ummm..marriage seminars, been to a counselor and so on.

Even though I think counseling is necessary and even with all this assistance for marriages and there is still not enough to combat the thousand things that are focused in destroying our house.

Two things I have found work of both are willing.

1. Get alone with God and tell Him exactly how you feel.

2. When he speaks back to you don’t be an arrogant idiot and not obey.
________________________________________________________________________

I remember there was a time that I was angry with her so I was telling God in my frustration why I should support her any longer as I was angry at a current satiation and not only that, why I felt justified in my anger. This was God’s word back to me:

“ Let me tell you something boy, you made a commitment to take care of her in front of me when you got married. You better take care of her for she is mine and you will have to deal with me..do you understand this?..”

(I find that when God speaks to me it is never babbling or rambling. I ramble. God speaks short and direct to the point.)

Now I completely believe that was not my own conscience. “Why? Because I was in a complete different mind set.

So.. I shut my mouth, stopped complaining and obeyed. Little did we know that at this time she was pregnant with are little girl and I would have been in major trouble should I have not obeyed and continued on in my arogance and caused problems.
_______________________________________________________________________

Recently there was yet another time where we where at odds. So we don’t talk for most of the day. My wife comes to me later that day and wants to talk. At this time I was so mad I already had my mean response to her before she even started talking. I was just waiting to blast her.

She then told me this:

She had been in our garage looking at stuff we have stored there and was talking to God feeling angry and depressed. She felt God speak back to her. I will paraphrase what He said:

“You need to give your childhood pain to me and forgive. You also need to start depending on me and turn your eyes on me. “

Out of the corner of her eyes she spots an old bible that was given to her when she was a child and opens it up. The bible opened to Ephesians 5.21-29 (read the Message version).

God has also told her “let your husband lead of this family”.

There where other things she told me that God was saying to her which I am not going to say.

Now I know this was not from my wife’s own mind. She had no inclination at the time to come to me. What ever was said to her in that quite room also would not have made any impression coming from a minister, seminar or counselor. It had to come from someone who knew her inside and out.

Once we talked, both apologized and the argument was dead. All of my anger and frustration was gone. It was not just because she said those things, It was because I knew that God was speaking though her to me as well and to argue at all would be arguing the Him.

So.. today we still argue about stuff, but never as we used to. Something has drastically changed. It did not come from a preacher, a seminar, a counselor, or friend’s advice.

It was a word. A short word form God, spoken to my wife in her time of great need that transformed and is transforming our marriage.

Two things I have found work of both are willing.

1. Get alone with God and tell Him exactly how you feel.

2. When He speaks back (and He will) to you don’t be an arrogant idiot and not obey.

If we skirt around this, even the closest affection will never bring us to where we need to be.


Keith H. (7-up to my crew)

ok..ok.. I blogged on your blog.
Sorry will make it short next time.

Proud of what your doing lately.
Good blog and by the way your daughter likes to play cupid also.
Carey said…
Well said...
Carole,

Dan Ohlerking wrote a post on which you left a comment. He was writing about how I often plead with HPC about sharing the Gospel as they do outreach. There is no doubt that HPC has one of the most renown outreach reputations in Baton Rouge if not the nation (i.e. President George Bush's State of the Union Address). I was a member of HPC and for 3 years I served in various ministries from Prison Ministry, Cooking for Christ, Servant Evangelism and grant writing. My point of contention is the Biblical impact that HPC could make if they would hand out a tract with the food they serve or take the time to share a Gospel presentation as they serve the community. I once presented the idea of teaching Biblical evangelism through The Way of the Master program. It was initially met with enthusiasm until I put together the curriculum for their consideration. Needless to say it was put off and I would be willing to wager that out of all the different "Life Groups" and Bible studies done at HPC since that time, not one has been on how to share our faith with the lost. It is a great thing to show Jesus to the world by works of compassion and love but to not share with them how they can have eternal life through a Biblical presentation of sin, righteouness and judgment to come is to ignore the commission given to us by our Savior. I never preach TO anyone but share the inevitable fate that Jesus told us would be for those who reject Him. I believe it was Whitfield who said that he always wanted to have heaven in one eye and hell in the other as a motivation for holiness as well as preaching the Gospel to the lost. We owe it to Jesus for the suffering He endured in our place.