Bad at Goodbye


Yesterday after getting the news of passing court I text Lorri. She has been gone since the first of November, she moved to Washington State. I so missed her yesterday when I got the news. I wanted to talk to her, Ammye, Karen and Kristy but all of them live somewhere but here. I didn't actually talk to anyone and only exchanged Text with Kristy and Lorri.

They all moved away, they left me...and I SUCK at people going away from me.

I know, I know, they have lives, people move, families have to go for jobs, ministry, extended family etc, but in my heart I really don't understand. I make it all about me, my wretched machine needs them and when they leave me, I close my heart to them.

Kristy moved about 3 years ago. Before that I was at her house almost every day. When she left I hardly even kept contact. Now, we may text or e-mail once every couple months.

Karen comes to town a lot now and we actually talk more now because her life is in an upside down place but for MANY years after she left, we would talk maybe once a year.

Ammye lives in Hammond Louisiana. She is literally 30 minutes away. The last time I saw her was a few months ago when she came to town for a get together with old friends. I am doing better lately texting her or calling but it's pretty pathetic that I have only driven that 30 minute drive ONCE in the last year!

Lorri and I were like sisters. She lived here in town, we served at the Dream Center together at Friday Thrive and at the After School program. We talked everyday. Our kids thought we were all related. Even before she moved I closed off from her. I just couldn't bear the pain so I didn't feel it.

The other night I was talking to Anne, another friend who moved only 15 minutes away, we were having coffee, and while talking to her I really started to see I am bad at Goodbye. It's rejection to me, they are leaving me, and like that little kid, it hurts too much to embrace.

Sorry friends. I love you more then you could know. I have to make it about your mean husbands, or anything other then God's plan for your life cuz' then I have someone to blame for taking you away. I'm a needy mess. Forgive me. I will do better.

He's helping me with this..I pray one day to not be so bad at goodbye.

Comments

Before I read the post, I knew it was about Lorri. I have thought of her many times and only knew her a short time, I can't imagine what you feel. I am usually the one moving away, so I've left friends behind many times. Its harder on that end too.
Lesley said…
See, this post is one of my favorite things about you... your honestly and your realness. (Wait, that was 2 things!) It takes courage to see things in yourself that you don't particularly like, much less to admit them in a public place like the "blogworld."

If it helps any, I'm no good at that stuff either and I completely understand where you are coming from. Your posts are always so thought provoking for me... thank you.

Love ya!
HerstoryGirl said…
Very good post. So true of many of us. You're not alone.
{{{Hugs}}}
Anonymous said…
From way over here...I love you with all of my heart.
Anonymous said…
Carole, you are amazing! Thank you for being so honest! You are one of the coolest people I know and soooo much fun!