What I don't get to do

Since the Winborne campus started I have been on the worship team. There are 4 girls and two guys singing. I love to sing.

Well, many times at practice or after worship I have wanted to quit. I can't hear myself, or I just cant get comfortable up there, or I mess up or I feel like I'm not meeting the "raise your hands and act into it" quota. I start hating all the junk that just comes with being on stage. I want to run far from it. Sit in the pew, greet some people, ride the bus with Dean to pick up people in the community, just enjoy the service, do what is easy for me. BUT I don't get to do that. Easy is not an option if I want to grow, be changed, be more like Jesus.

I remember the first practice for Winborne. I really almost hyper ventilated. I felt so outside. Sure I have been in the choir for years and have even sang front line back in the day but things were different then. Back then I was all into the drama, the competitiveness, the ego, the "God is using my gifts" deal. But just when I had let all that go, that desire to be seen, heard, acknowledged, here I was back up there and I just didn't know what to do with myself.

As I was driving home from that first practice I know God spoke to my heart "you don't get to quit and you don't get to be like you were, I will help you find me in this, I am here". So I was good for then. Peace helped me not quit.

Today I found myself thinking I was so above all that needing to be perfect, needing to perform, manipulate the crowd into "His" presence. I mean really, so what if they don't want to raise their hands, or sing or get into the songs? Why couldn't we all just be ourselves in worship? That's where I was today. Again, after worship I wanted to quit.

But you know what? That's all crap. I'm not above anything. The truth is if I was up on that stage, completely dead to self, eating and absorbing and believing every word I sang, then lifting my hands, or getting into it wouldn't be an issue. If every time I walked on that stage I asked God to kill my insecurities, my fears, my inhibitions, to kill me, I would be able to enjoy worship and also lead others into worship. I don't get to walk onstage as myself, I get to walk on that stage as someone who is alive in Christ.

So, I live to fight this another day. No, I don't think it's a quick fix. I think flesh will ALWAYS try to creep back in. I know our fight is not carnal but spiritual, He is my source, His word, time spent with Him, He is all I need to do the work He has given, which includes helping lead worship at the Winborne Baton Rouge Dream Center.

What I don't get to do is quit.

Comments

good food for thought.
Elysa said…
DANG! Yet another thing we have in common. Your post goes SO right along with what I was dealing with this weekend. I've yet to post about it on my blog, but you'll understand if you ever read it.

WHY, OH, WHY can't I die to self and make it just about HIM?!?