I never Knew Grief felt so much like fear

"I never knew grief felt so much like fear..I can't stop swallowing.." C.S. Lewis said that in the book " A Grief Observed". When I'm busy, distracted, I don't have to swallow as much but the second I am alone, I get that hit in the chest and that welling up.

I'm at work today and why would that make me so sad all of a sudden? My limbs ache and my insides feel full, does that make sense?

Last night was good. Dean got me my 3 months of Tanning that I wanted, Pat and Lorri got me a Manicure and Pedicure, Anne gave me the book "Reflections on the Psalms" by C.S. Lewis, my mom a vacuum cleaner, I got an outfit from Target from Dean's dad and step mom Peggy and Shawn got me some new Mary Kay lip stick. I really couldn't have gotten better gifts, everything I wanted. But when I got home I still felt sad.

E-hugs me more I think she needs held too. She is so good about communicating her feelings. She keeps saying "I am so sad that we are not getting Bradshaw".

Dean stays busy but he, like me, gets very sad when he has a minute to think. I see it on his face sometime. He holds me and we just sit there, not crying not talking just holding each other. How blessed am I?

Again last night I opened to Matthew 25. I read it all then stopped and said "ok God, you keep bringing this to my attention, what are you trying to tell me?" I still don't know but for some reason He keeps putting that in front of me. Just last week I had listened to Robert Barringers sermon again, he reads almost all of Matthew 25. So, there is something up with that, I can't wait to find out what it is.

Sometime I feel stupid for hurting. We never even held him, how much more must a mother grieve that loses a child to death. We just so gave our hearts to him, to raising him and him being a part of our family, that is what hurts so bad, the healing of that gaping wound is what hurts. BUT, I love that I can say BUT, but God. I have said it before and I will forever say it, I can't imagine doing life without Him. He IS comfort, He IS peace and He IS good!!

Matthew 25 ends with the separation of the sheep and the goats, the sheep hearing "well done thy good and faithful servant"..That is what this life is about, hearing Him say that one day. That is what I live for.

Comments

danohlerking said…
nothing to add except a thank you for sharing this. this is the stuff that transforms the normal in us to the exceptional.

and you are so right about being blessed. blessed to have a great family and blessed to know that God is peace and comfort and He is GOOD.

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